A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.
–CHRISTOPHER K. GERMER
If there’s anything I’ve learned in more than four decades as a psychologist, it is that far too many women are far too hard on themselves. Not only am I constantly told about women’s “failures” in everyday life to do everything for everyone—perfectly, of course!—but also I hear confessions about painful, embarrassing faux pas or judgment errors that still haunt them, years and even decades after they occurred. These stories are imbued with shame and isolation rather than recognition of a shared perspective. Although these experiences are signs merely of being human, women tend to dwell on cringe-worthy memories that insidiously chip away at their self-confidence.
Festering self-criticism about how they may have mishandled interactions or situations can cause women to think of themselves as socially inept—or as bad mothers, daughters, partners, and friends. With this mindset, it is all too easy to look for—and find—“evidence” that people in their lives feel the same way about them. Some women, in fact, convince themselves that others don’t value their company or their opinions. This belief causes them to withdraw, to reject invitations, or to show up but resolve to keep quiet—and then to feel disconnected or lonely. Negative self-talk thereby becomes a barrier to creating satisfying relationships.
As Germer said, self-compassion can indeed change the course of our lives. In reality, the vast majority of stories I hear from women reflect perfectly normal experiences in the lifelong learning process. With maturity and experience, we hope to handle interpersonal issues with more wisdom and grace? We want to become more fully present with and attuned to the people who rely on us. We would like to have the skill to avoid unintentionally hurting people, reneging on promises, sparking unnecessary conflict, or neglecting to follow through on good intentions.
Past mistakes help us to learn. Regrets teach us to treat others kindlier and more compassionately. What better place to start than with ourselves?