To raise teens’ self-esteem, DON’T tell them how great they are.
Yes, this advice probably seems counterintuitive when it comes to self esteem for teens. What parent hasn’t assured tweens and teens that they are really smart or talented in sports, art, or other interests? In fact, doesn’t the parenting manual that you mentally refer to specify that it’s your job to make sure your kids grow up feeling good about themselves? So, why wouldn’t you tell your tweens or tweens how fantastic they are? How else can they become confident?
As it turns out, this strategy backfires horribly. According to psychologist Carol Dweck, kids whose parents tell them they’ll succeed because they are smart and talented—subscribing to a fixed mindset—end up less inclined to try when challenged. They’re also less likely to persevere until they succeed. In their minds, if they were to try something hard and fail, it would prove that they’re not smart or talented after all. Facing hard tasks or mistakes shakes thereby their confidence. To avoid losing such awesome labels, these avoid trying anything unless they are of their ability to succeed. This mindset is extremely limiting. Academic risk-taking and a willingness to learn by trial-and-error are increasingly needed as teens progress through school.
Years ago, I evaluated a tenth grader who dug in her heels and refused to do her schoolwork. Of course, her teachers, parents, and administrators were frustrated by her lack of homework completion and poor test prep. Testing showed that she had some learning issues that made academics harder for her than for her classmates. But instead of putting in more effort to overcome her challenges, like so many successful kids with learning differences do, this young woman put in less. She insisted, with resignation in her voice, “I’d rather be bad than dumb.”
It’s not that complimenting kids is inherently bad. But it pays to be mindful about what exactly you’re praising. It is grit—commitment, hard work, and effort over the long run—rather than raw talent or intelligence that best predicts success. According to Dr. Dweck, when you adopt this growth mindset, you teach teens and tweens to expect to encounter difficulties when learning. You encourage them to test out new solutions for problems they face along the way and to be curious about their inevitable mistakes. Using this model, it is best to commend students not for getting things right, but rather for persisting, resisting the urge to quit, and overcoming hurdles.
This approach, in the long run, will inspire greater success.