Every exit is an entry somewhere else.
–TOM STOPPARD
As parents, part of our job is supporting daughters as they navigate important milestones and events during adolescence. Teens and tweens invest great hope when they audition for school plays or orchestras, try out for sports teams, apply to college, aim for summer internships or jobs, and want to get more serious with romantic partners. When any of these endeavors don’t work out the ways they wanted, girls may feel the sting of disappointment and even despair over lost opportunities or dashed dreams. Some may lose confidence in themselves—or momentarily lose hope altogether.
It’s hard to watch teens become disheartened. And because we also want to see them have doors opened to them, we may be just as disappointed when these endeavors fail to materialize. But the danger is getting so caught up that we cannot maintain perspective. These are the times when teens and tweens most need to rely on the wisdom that comes from parents’ experience. How we react in these moments may be what our daughters most remember when they think back on them. Here are some strategies for helping teens and tweens to start thinking of disappointments as opportunities:
Take a deep breath. In my experience—both as a parent and a clinician—it is a good rule of thumb to breathe before doing anything else. That is because it is better for the thinking part of your brain to be operating when you begin to speak. Trust me, when you’re dealing with your own intense emotions, the feeling part of your brain can cause you to blurt out something you would really like to take back.
Lead with empathy. Although you are probably eager to offer reassurance and/or advice, it is better to acknowledge that your daughter is likely going through something difficult (e.g., “You worked hard for this,” “This stinks,” or “I’ll bet this is not what you wanted to hear”). Meeting her where she gives her permission to feel whatever she is feeling and lets her feel understood.
Ask, rather than assume. Instead of presuming what she is feeling (e.g., “You must be devastated!”) or projecting your own emotions (e.g., “I can’t believe the audacity of that woman to tell you that you were a shoo-in and then not choose you!”), ask how she feels. She might surprise you—and herself—if part of her is relieved. Maybe she was more ambivalent about her desires than she knew.
Give her time. Your daughter may need to process this information or grieve for her lost opportunity before she is ready to talk about it—or to consider Plan B. Let her know that you are available whenever she feels ready to discuss her options.
Provide perspective. Gently share with your teen or tween that crushing setbacks can, over time—and often only in retrospect—transform into invaluable opportunities. Share times in your own life when you realized that getting rejected from your first-choice college was a blessing in disguise, and the job you were desperate for would’ve prevented you from finding your real passion.
Be a sounding board. Instead of offering unsolicited advice, when she’s ready to talk about this ask your daughter about her options. What does she want to do, and why? By hearing her out, she gets to practice her own reasoning and increasingly learns to trust herself to make decisions.
Be patient. Still, your daughter may not be able to let go of her hurt, rejection, anger, or resentment of those who were chosen for her coveted position. In the face of acute disappointment, it is harder to see opportunity.
But when you reframe events in a more hopeful, forward-looking manner, your daughter learns that you are not devastated by what happened and do not consider her a failure. She doesn’t have to take responsibility for and feel guilty about disappointing you as well as herself. Over time, this teaches tweens and teens to make the most of unplanned circumstances that are often beyond our control.