Sometimes it takes a death to remind us of how temporary life is, and how vital it is to live every day mindfully and fully. This is especially hard for adolescents, with their notorious sense of immortality and invincibility. Most protect themselves from the pain of even imagining lives cut short or irrevocably changed by tragedy. It is usually when teens or tweens personally experience the death of a loved one that they may be more open to considering the lessons offered by someone whose life was well-lived.
People are often venerated for what they have achieved during their lives. Young people may look to accomplished elders as role models if they succeeded in their work, made a mark in their fields, achieved fame, or became wealthy. But parents can use this opportunity to broaden notions of what it means to have a good life and live it fully. Many people who have not checked off these boxes may be even better examples of how to live life well.
A few years ago, I said goodbye to someone I adored who was nearly 90. When I met her, at age 19, my sense of her was informed by my adolescent perspective; that is, I couldn’t fully appreciate the woman she was. But over the years, I became increasingly aware of how special she was—in fact, the kind of person I aspired to be, and also hoped my children would emulate. She was one of the most content people I’ve ever met.
This woman exemplified love, optimism, and grace. She was comfortable in her own skin and always knew what was important to her. She was fiercely devoted and loyal to her family, friends, and community. Throughout her life, she never focused on herself. Though she bravely fought her illness, she had little interest in talking about it. Rather, she focused on everyone she cared about. up to and including the day of her death She asked insightful questions about our lives. But unlike many other people, she actually listened carefully and remembered what we said. The next time we called or saw her, she followed up.
Naturally, this made everyone who was fortunate to be in her life feel truly heard. She celebrated the small victories and empathized with the minor disappointments. We knew we mattered to her. Her many thoughtful gestures left no doubt about the depth of her affection. Her life was full of love, gratitude, and purpose. As she wished, she died at home, surrounded by those who cherished her.
I will be eternally grateful for what she has taught my children and me, by example, about what is worth emulating. And my hope is that all parents have role models to each teens and tweens about what truly matters in life.