Recently, a sixth grader told me about her father taking her to visit his alma mater, ostensibly to “show her around.” As he proudly toured the campus with her, his intention became crystal-clear. Now that she was in middle school, he said, “Everything counts,” so she has to “always give 1,000% and show her teachers what she’s got.” It is easy to imagine how pressure this 12-year-old felt to follow her father to his prestigious college, make him proud and, of course, become equally successful.

Macy’s dad was a loving father who may have wanted to show her what is possible in her future, or to motivate her to aim high so that she could reach her potential. Many well-meaning parents try to encourage tweens and teens with similar messages. But unfortunately, I’ve worked with too many students who have been inadvertently harmed by such “pep talks” with hard-to-fulfill expectations.

It is one thing for parents to focus on building kids’ character, such as by anticipating them to treat others with kindness, integrity, and empathy. Expecting them to do chores around the house gives tweens and teens a way to contribute to the family and learn to assume responsibilities. When it comes to achievement, on the other hand, parental expectations are often problematic. Forming ideas about what tweens and teens Macy’s age study in school, the grades they should earn, where they should go to college, the majors they will choose, and their eventual careers can be detrimental.

One, teens and tweens need the freedom to discover and pursue their own passions. Learning about themselves and being authentic facilitate strong identities, self-esteem, and resiliency. Two, there is a great deal of growth in this age group, especially in developing brains. Rigid expectations can limit the need for tweens and teens’ interests and capabilities to evolve organically. Once on a path, kids reluctant to shift gears for fear of disappointing parents may go through the motions rather than change direction.

Three, teens who aim to please parents at the expense of their own, genuine desires grow up with minimal personal autonomy—and sometimes with insidious resentment. Four, and most important, if for whatever reason kids can’t attain the goals parents have set out for them, they typically begin to see themselves as not good, smart, or successful enough. Feeling inadequate and helpless makes it hard for teens and tweens to accomplish anything meaningful—neither their own goals nor others parents have for them.

So, when setting goals for kids’ achievement, it is best not to do arbitrarily or single-handedly. Rather, talk with them directly to elicit their input and commitment. Teach them that goals should be SMART—that is, Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound:

  • Specific: Rather than “get no grades lower than an A,” your tween may want to prove herself in pre-algebra so she is recommended for honors math next year. Or perhaps she wants to improve her conversational Spanish, edit her papers more effectively, or make an elite sports team.
  • Measurable: Although many parents admirably want to reward effort rather than grades, “Just do your best” proves difficult to demonstrate. Report cards are also vulnerable to teachers’ arbitrary assessment approaches. It is better to track goals such as “making fewer careless mistakes on math quizzes” and “turning in projects on time so I don’t lose points” and “getting more playing time on the field.”
  • Achievable. Unless parental expectations are reasonable for particular teens and tweens at that moment in time, they set up students for failure. Make sure goals are within reach and incremental, so kids experience the interim success that maintains motivation.
  • Relevant. When you include your middle school or high school student in discussions about goals, find out what she considers meaningful. It is human nature for people to feel more invested in what is important to them.
  • Time­- This component of SMART goals sets up a sense of urgency by asking teens and tweens to set priorities and plan their time accordingly in the short run. For example, if the goal is to turn in projects on time, your student might set deadlines for herself such as, “Choose a topic by Wednesday,” “Get all materials I need by Friday,” “Finish a model by Sunday.”

The great thing about SMART goals is that teens and tweens are learning a model that will help them to improve not just in school or extracurricular activities, but also in future endeavors. Also, as you guide your student to apply these principles successfully, you may find that you benefit from them, too.