Part of our job as parents is to guide teens to make better choices. This often puts us in the position of having to express our concerns about girls’ behavior at home, at school, or in social situations. When these conversations go well, our daughters are open to hearing and learning from constructive criticism. But as most parents experience firsthand, sometimes our efforts to navigate these issues fail spectacularly. Does your teen or tween become irate or defensive? Or does she physically retreat or emotionally shut down, turning silent and unreachable? Do you wonder what could have gone wrong?
Fortunately, teens in my practice often talk about why they react in these ways. It is not so much parents’ words as how they are spoken. When girls detect in messages even a trace of anger they consider misplaced or unreasonable, it is harder for them to take in the concerns parents are trying to express. Whether mothers and fathers are in fact angry is almost beside the point. After I described this on a recent podcast, the host agreed that her own daughters ask why she is angry with them even when she isn’t. But sensitive girls can interpret even mild irritation or exasperation as condemnation. Simply being corrected may be all it takes for your daughter to think she gravely disappointed you or, worse, will never be enough in your eyes.
Too often in these scenarios, parents come across as angry when they are actually anxious—and sometimes don’t realize it. Think about it. You raise issues when you fear your teen or tween is making poor decisions in her life—in other words, when you sense a potential threat to her wellbeing. It does not have to be a life-or-death situation to trigger powerful fight-or-flight-or-freeze reactions. Even the thought that your young daughter is not taking good care of herself, is allowing herself to be mistreated in peer or dating relationships, or is squandering her opportunities can cause your amygdala to fire away, your heart rate to soar, and stress hormones to flood your brain.
When your emotional brain takes over and your thinking brain goes on hiatus, you might not be in touch with how worried you are—or how your concerns may come across. Asking your teen or tween, for example, “Why would you ever send someone a nude?” or “What do you mean you’re quitting varsity field hockey?” or “Don’t you think you should end this relationship?” or “Why wouldn’t you want to take the most challenging math class?” may be more charged than you imagine. Your daughter picks up on your emotional intensity far more than your words. In fact, during the mid-teens girls are maximally sensitive to mothers’ facial expressions.
Susanna, 16, describes a typical scenario: “My mom gets mad and yells at me whenever I ask to go out. She says, ‘Why do you always need to be with your friends? You think you have to be at every party, but your sisters were fine staying home!’” Susanna adds, “It’s normal to want to spend time with your friends when you’re my age. Why does she have to make me feel like I’m a horrible person?” In turn, when teens pick up on parents’ anger—and perhaps fear its repercussions—their own happiness and wellbeing may be threatened. This may set off girls’ stress responses, which trigger defensiveness, snark retorts, or withdrawal.
To avoid this vicious cycle and help your daughter to be receptive to constructive criticism, try:
Taking your emotional temperature. Before you raise concerns, scan your mind and body to assess your feelings and their level of intensity. If you’re at all activated, it won’t work to downplay or hide your emotions from your astute teen. Instead, delay conversations until you can quiet down your central nervous system. That way, you can think more clearly about the message you want to convey and how best to say it.
Recalling your own adolescence. It is easy to resent teens and tweens for engaging in behaviors that provoke your anxiety. But remembering what you were like at this age can help you to empathize with your daughter’s normal developmental needs for autonomy and risk-taking. Being honest about your less-than-ideal past can remind you that girls need experience to improve their judgment. Just like you, your teen must learn from her mistakes.
Proactively clarifying your feelings. To avoid misunderstandings, explain to your teen or tween: “I’m bringing this up because I love you and care about (this issue). I’m concerned, not angry” or “I’m upset because I’m worried, but I’m not mad at you.”
Engaging her in problem-solving. Teens are more receptive to discussions than to “lectures.” So rather than tell her what she did wrong and how she should behave differently in the future, ask for her thoughts on these issues. As you listen, you are not only encouraging her to develop her problem-solving skills, but also conveying your respect and confidence in her. This will go a long way toward enlisting her cooperation and facilitating her responsiveness to your concerns.