Although lying to parents may seem to be as much an adolescent rite of passage as breakouts, first kisses, and drivers ed, it doesn’t have to be. Many of this age group’s notorious evasions, omissions, half-truths, and bold-faced lies can be avoided. The advantages—more mutual trust and parental peace of mind—are significant. But to persuade teens and tweens to be honest, you may have to do some soul-searching—and perhaps make changes how you parent your kids.
Many mothers and fathers think that teens lie about their (mis)behavior mainly to avoid negative consequences. But in my experience, that’s not the most important reason. Actually, they don’t want to worry or disappoint you. Teens much prefer to make mothers and fathers proud than to displease you or make you ashamed of them. As a result, young people lie when they imagine you would disapprove of something they’ve done or not done and, more concerning, of how you might see them in that moment.
What gives rise to evasiveness or outright lies can be as minor as a getting a bad grade on a pop quiz grade or not doing their chores, or as major as suffering in silence after a traumatic sexual experience—and everything in between. No matter what, teens are expending energy to keep you from learning information about them. But if you’re kept in the dark, you can’t possibly offer the guidance, practical help, and emotional support your teen or tween might need.
There are a few things you can do to set the foundation for teen truth-telling. Try:
- Consistently and clearly giving your kids the message, “We would prefer to hear the truth. There is nothing you can tell us that’ll make us love you less—or abandon you.” Then follow up those words by appreciating their decision to divulge the truth. Many parents are inclined to impose fewer consequences when teens own up to their actions rather than trying to evade responsibility and accountability.
- Listen openly and respectfully when they speak. Rather than making assumptions or jumping to immediate conclusions about the reasons for their behavior, hear them out. Then ask non-accusatory questions to make sure you get the full story—from their perspective.
- If what you hear makes you so upset, frightened, or angry that you may not be able to speak calmly, say that you’d like to discuss the situation once you’ve had a chance to process it further. Teens will appreciate—and learn from—seeing you manage your feelings rather than overreacting (AKA “flipping out”) in the moment.
- Be particularly mindful of expressing anger rather than the underlying concern or worry you may be experiencing. Teens are particularly sensitive to and fearful about parental hostility.
- Your teens and tweens will learn a lot about how you might handle things that they do wrong by watching your reactions to learning about their friends’ mistakes. If you can refrain from harshly judging or criticizing peers, you’ve given your own kids another reason to trust you enough to be truthful with you.