Help for Procrastinators!
Many—if not most—people procrastinate at times. It’s human nature to avoid what we’d rather not do. But those of us who regularly put off important tasks often get angry and frustrated with ourselves. The more we dodge our responsibilities, the worse we generally feel. To ease our distress, we seek out more distractions, thereby creating a vicious, self-defeating cycle. For procrastinators, this pattern may be the norm.
When I ask teens if they procrastinate, nearly all say yes. In fact, it would be hard to recall any student who say they don’t. This is understandable. Facing piles of homework, of course they want to delay as long as possible having to focus on annoying assignments or studying for dreaded tests. In my experience, teens and tweens are pros at coming up with alternative activities. Some start cleaning their rooms or organizing their closets; others scroll through social media or watch videos.
But they don’t get off scot-free. These activities provide momentary relief, which feels great. But eventually teens have to face up to the unfinished work that has been looming over them. Worse, teens who see themselves as procrastinators usually feel ashamed. Many start to label themselves with such unflattering terms as such as “lazy” or “slacker.” Also, teen procrastination often triggers family conflict. As a parent, you may think it’s your responsibility to nag—I mean, remind—your daughter to stop putting off her responsibilities. Her less than grateful response can create arguments and tension at home—not to mention, you becoming indignant about her resistance to your help.
But psychologists are discovering that procrastination is not actually laziness. It is not even a sign of lack of self-control or bad time management. Procrastination is now seen as an emotional reaction to difficulty tolerating the uncomfortable feelings that accompany certain tasks. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/25/smarter-living/why-you-procrastinate-it-has-nothing-to-do-with-self-control.html
For example, your teen may ditch items on her To-Do list that are boring (“This is such annoying busy work!”) or cause frustration (“I keep getting this wrong”), self-doubt (“I’ll never understand this”), anxiety (“If I don’t do well, I won’t ___”), or resentment (“It’s unfair to get this many tests in one week”).
Ironically, even though procrastination is designed to avoid negative feelings, putting things off actually makes them worse. Everyone knows this, but we can’t stop ourselves from doing it anyway. Biologically, stress makes it harder to think rationally and to prioritize long-term goals over short-term, far more pleasurable, avoidance tactics.
So, what can be done to stop your teen (and maybe you, too) from procrastinating?
First, researchers suggest acceptance and self-forgiveness. Not dwelling on our past procrastination lets us focus on what’s happening right now. Second, self-compassion sparks motivation by easing psychological stress, boosting self-esteem, and eliciting positive emotions. The key to inspiration is to think about how the finished task will cause something good to happen. When you or your teen are delaying an onerous task, thinking about the good things that can happen if you complete it—for example, experiencing personal gratification or others’ validation, appreciation, or praise.
Third, psychologists recommend focusing on the very next concrete step that can be taken. This is based on the premise that action jumpstarts motivation, rather than the other way around. A yoga teacher once told me about using a similar strategy whenever she didn’t feel like doing her daily home practice. She told herself that she would just get out her yoga mat. Once it was on the floor, she’d just sit down on it. The next thing she knew, she was enjoying her yoga routine.
Finally, research suggests that it helps to minimize distractions—or at least making them harder to access. Although teens are reluctant to power down or silence smartphones, they do come up with workable strategies to focus when they need to. One told me that she has a friend change her social media passwords (and not tell her the new ones) until exams are over. Another deletes her own social media apps and reinstalls them when crunch time has passed. Those who struggle even more with self-control ask parents to hold onto their devices.
However it is done, minimizing temptations make it more likely to avoid procrastination and get right to whatever needs to be done. But if our teens do hesitate, let’s remind them—and ourselves—that this is a common experience, that self-compassion is called for, and that when tackling formidable tasks, it is best to start by taking just one tangible step at a time.