As a blatant and extreme example of snowplow parenting in an attempt to pave the way for kids to get ahead, it may be hard to beat the parents involved in the notorious “Operation Varsity Blues” scandal, who paid dearly for posing their applicants as athletes or obtaining fraudulent test scores to get them admitted to prestigious universities. You may have been aghast when you heard of this outrageous—and illegal—scheme. But a part of you may also sympathize with parents who want to do as much possible to give teens advantages in the college application process—and in life.
An important question to consider is: where do you draw the line? More and more, I’m seeing parents who are intensely involved in middle school students’ schooling continue that level of scaffolding in high school. And it doesn’t stop there. Once teens graduate, it is hard for parents to pull back from being in the daily lives of adult children. It is painful to see how young people struggle as a result.
A few years ago, a survey Morning Consult conducted for The New York Times demonstrated this growing trend. Fully three-quarters of parents of 18- to 28-year-olds “reminded their adult children of deadlines they need to meet, including for schoolwork” and just as many “made appointments for them, including doctor’s appointments.” Remarkably, 22 percent helped college students study for a test, 16 percent helped write all or part of an internship application, and 15 percent called or texted to make sure they did not sleep through class.
What happens after college students graduate? As you might expect, this parenting pattern continues, with unsurprising consequences. A friend told me of an exchange he had with a 30-year-old employee who arrived late for the company’s morning meeting. When he asked why the individual had been late, the reply caught him off guard: “My mother forgot to wake me.”
If you are not this involved in your students’ day-to-day life, take heart that you’re doing right by them. The reality is that not shielding tweens and teens from problems and setbacks best prepares them to leave home armed with the inner resources necessary to live on their own—indeed, with the skills to be an adult.
It is only when we allow kids to cope with frustration, make and correct mistakes, and learn to find solutions on their own that they can rely on themselves—rather than parents who contact college professors or administrators (8%) to discuss their grades or contact their employers (11%) if they have an issue at work. To provide young adults the self-confidence and emotional resiliency that allow them to thrive, best to avoid the temptation to be a snowplow parent.