Out of the corner of your eye, you may have glimpsed your daughter rushing out the door to middle school wearing—wait, was that an actual skirt? It barely covered her derriere! Perhaps she was ready to leave for church in a midriff-baring top that belonged in a Victoria Secret catalog. Or maybe you’ve faced an indignant preteen hissing, as she tries on an online purchase, “But, Mom, everyone else is wearing this!” A quick look around suggests your daughter might not be wrong. It’s not your imagination that clothing for teens and tweens is noticeably skimpier and racier.
What are you supposed to do? Well, taking a deep breath is a good start. Then it’s helpful to remind yourself that even if you think she’s got bad taste in outfits, it doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. And it’s highly unlikely she’s deliberately pushing your buttons. Girls’ clothing choices say something about who they may want to be at particular moments. Outfits are one way they try on new personalities and differentiate themselves from adult preferences. That is why their styles may change quickly and dramatically.
Clothing choices may also signal allegiance to certain social groups—almost like a uniform. By late elementary school or early middle school, girls often become self-conscious, highly alert to how they stack up to others, and more vulnerable to peer pressure. Imitating the “coolest” girls often means adopting a “revealing and appealing” look. As they do so, they may lose sight of how they appear to others.
I’ll never forget the 14-year-old eighth grader who came to her last therapy session before the summer wanting to talk about why boys always came on to her rather than trying to be her friend, as they did with other girls. Nell, as I’ll call her, had come straight from school wearing full makeup and a tight sundress with a laced bodice that showed off her mature figure. Until I wondered aloud whether there could be a connection between her appearance and the boys’ behavior, Nell had never considered this possibility.
Several months later, I ran into her in town with a group of classmates. She was wearing jeans, a sweater, and sneakers, her hair in a ponytail, and her face free of makeup. Rather than make assumptions (or accusations), gently ask your daughter, “What do you think that outfit says about who you are?” or “What message might people get about you?” Incredibly, some teens and tweens are truly unaware of the powerful effects of their appearance.
When your daughter’s style conflicts with propriety or family values, you’ll have to step in and draw a line. That is, make a distinction between what is simply her unfortunate taste—and what is tasteless. For example, if she dresses inappropriately for a religious service or family occasion, give her specific guidelines. The same goes for attire designed for older teenagers or adults. Girls who are in a great rush to grow up often need such parental limits.
When guiding your daughter in how to dress, it is crucial to acknowledge that she is her own person who may have tastes and inclinations different from yours. Knowing that you respect her right to have her own preferences will make her comfortable seeking your opinions. When she does, emphasize whether what she is wearing is flattering on her. If she recognizes that you are not being judgmental (“That outfit’s not my style, but it actually looks really good on you”), she will be more likely to accept your advice.
Give your teen or tween the gift of finding her own style. Besides, unless clothing becomes a matter of health or safety, is far better to save your energy for more important matters.