An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by its own fullness, not by its reception.
–Harold Loukes
Before we do something nice for someone else or act with love, we often worry about how our love and kindness will be received. Will the person appreciate what we’ve done? Or have we come on too strong? Will our apology be accepted? If our overtures are rebuffed, will we feel silly, hurt, or embarrassed? Teen girls often struggle with these very issues, as do the mothers who try to guide them through social dilemmas.
A while back, I met in my office with a woman and her daughter to discuss a painful, but rather typical, middle school experience. Natalie, age 13, was upset when another girl in her friendship circle, Gwen, told Natalie’s close friend, Allie, that Natalie had said something negative about her behind her back. As a result, Gwen and Allie began to give Natalie the silent treatment. Unable to ignore the injustice of the situation, Natalie wanted to explain to Allie that what Gwen told her wasn’t true; Natalie had not said anything nasty about her.
Natalie’s mother, however, advised her not to say a word. Clearly trying to protect her daughter, she asked, “How do you know Allie will believe you? What if she believes Gwen? And what if it doesn’t make any difference and Allie still refuses to speak to you? How are you going to feel?” Natalie’s response, “Well, then at least I’ll know I tried to make things right,” was wise beyond her years. Although she recognized that neither Gwen nor Allie might come around, Natalie felt compelled to try. She could not just sit by and do nothing.
It is true that we can never know for sure how people will react to what we say and do. But that’s not the point. What teen girls need to learn is that while they can’t control others, they can take charge of their own actions. Speaking up to clarify their intentions, share their perspectives, express their feelings, or apologize is empowering. As long as they are guided by what is in truly in their hearts and minds, they can feel good about their efforts—regardless of how others receive and interpret them.