5 Things NOT to Say to Stressed Teens
Ask teens about school-related stress, and you’ll probably hear about seemingly endless piles of homework, nonstop tests, not enough time, too little sleep and, most worrisome, the sense that no matter what they do, it’ll never be enough. That they’ll never be enough. A myriad of practical strategies can effectively reduce stress and build teens’ resiliency. But there are also things that well-intentioned parents often say that teens wish they wouldn’t. In fact, these are the top five parental statements that usually backfire, causing teens even more stress. Here’s why you might consider avoiding them—and what you might try instead:
- “You can do anything you set your mind to!”
Like many parents, if you’ve said this you were most likely trying to encourage your stressed teen and/or foster self-esteem. The problem is, it just isn’t true. Everyone has limitations. Despite hard work and diligent practice, for example, your daughter may never ace AP calculus and your son may never play competitive tennis. If you tell them they can, they might redouble their efforts—further exhausting themselves and feeling like that much more of a failure—and a disappointment to you—if they don’t reach their goals. Instead, why not give teens honest feedback? By talking about their genuine strengths and weaknesses, we are helping teens to get to know their authentic selves. This is vital not only for forming a strong identity, which is a chief developmental task of adolescence, but also for facilitating emotional health and resiliency.
- “You have so many more opportunities than I did. You should take full advantage of them.”
In our desire to give our kids the best of everything, we may give them the unfortunate message that they can—and should—be able to do everything. But juggling hectic schedules and commitments that would humble most CEOs is contributing to teens’ sense that they can never keep up, much less do everything well. It is true; teens can’t do everything well. Nor should they think they should try. It is more prudent to talk with kids about making good choices and setting priorities, which are invaluable skills that will serve them well now and for the rest of their lives.
- “Just try your best!”
Although this encouraging comment certainly beats, “You need to come in first” or “Nothing less than perfection,” its vagueness invites problems. That’s because teens who are ambitious or desperately want to please adults usually interpret this in ways that exacerbate stress. For examine, they might imagine loftier goals than their parents have in mind (e.g., “My mom expects nothing lower than an A” or “My dad thinks I should never let other team score a goal”). These are precisely the sorts of conclusions stressed teens in my office come to. That’s why it’s far better to talk about specific, doable ways teens can improve in school or activities—for example, completing homework before they get on the bus in the morning, proofreading papers before turning them in, practicing their musical instruments, or keeping school materials organized.
- “Your schoolwork is suffering! I’m taking away your devices!”
Sure, you want to encourage good study habits. But severing teens’ ability to connect with social supports makes them (especially girls) markedly more anxious, resentful, and preoccupied. These states of mind actually distract them from concentrating productively on schoolwork. So instead, it’s better to encourage the guideline, “Everything in moderation.” Discuss with stressed teens the screen limits they think are reasonable to set for themselves. Provide only as much input as needed. Taking ownership of such decisions makes teens more likely to abide by them. This strategy can pay dividends, especially in the long run. Studies have shown that good self-discipline is far more important than even innate intelligence in determining students’ academic success.
- “Everything you do now counts for college!”
With the frenzy about getting into college, many parents want to make sure teens are motivated and perform well academically so they have plenty of good choices available to them. Yet these and other anxious parental comments only trigger teens’ panic. As they say, “Do our parents think we ever forget about college, even for a minute?” Worse, focusing intensely on the single goal of getting into college robs teens of other vital experiences. The high school years should not be perceived as the Pre-College Years. To encourage teens’ all-around personal growth, think of this as a vital time for learning about themselves, acquiring skills, discovering their passions, and developing healthy relationships. So keep college talk to a minimum—and ask instead what teens are learning and enjoying. They’ll not only be grateful, but also less stressed and better able to benefit from educational opportunities.